With a new year, comes hope and the chance for renewal. As the saying goes, “new year, new me”. And as cliché as it may sound, I think we all get excited at the prospect of a new start.
I was especially thrilled for 2020. This was the first year I was not going to attend school and overall, this was going to be a new chapter in my life. However, January did not go as positive as I wanted it to, and it was marred by self-doubt and confusion.
I know the internet is not supposed to be my diary; I’m writing this because I hope that some of you may relate to these feelings, and/or may be going through a similar experience.
What went down:
January actually began on a high note; I received news that I had got a job I interviewed for in late 2019. I was feeling pretty good…until I wasn’t.
If we’re being honest, I was due for an existential crisis; I hadn’t had one in a long time. And so, a few days after receiving great news about the job, there I was, wondering what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I love writing, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder how far it’ll get me.
I find that society and employers like to pigeonhole people. I have so many interests, far and wide, that I would never want to focus on one thing or be known for doing one thing; I want to do it all, whatever that may mean for me in the moment.
These thoughts made me spiral into a negative state mind. At the same time, my aunt, who had been ill for quite some time, received a kidney transplant, and my boyfriend Cain, left for a month long business trip to Oklahoma.
My life, felt very empty and strange.
Now what:
As January dragged on, I realized I had no control over my aunt being sick, or Cain leaving. However, I was in control of my own thoughts. I have to remind myself that it’s okay to not have it all figured out. How can I? My life and my career are barely getting started.
I am an impatient person, and I realize that this is something I have to work on. We all want answers to the hard questions of life, and we all want to see instant results. But life, does not work that way.
And then there’s fear. As a first generation student, it’s hard to accept my accomplishments. It feels like I am going to fail at any moment, even when it isn’t true. I might have to work twice as hard as others, and I might fail at some things, but this does not make me a failure.
The present:
Taking all of this into account, and thinking everything I mentioned above through, I decided to mentally let it go. This does not mean that I won’t have these feelings again; it means that for now, I realize my fears and my assumptions are premature.
It’s okay to feel like your life is a mess or that you’ll never get it together. However, instead of drowning in negativity, I decided to think about all the positivity the present and the future might hold. This might not sound like much or even good advice, but once I realized that, I stopped feeling so low.
This where I am now, and it’s not 100%, but it’s an improvement from how I was feeling before.
The Future:
I think January was a hard month for all of us for different reasons, and with Kobe Bryant’s death at the end it, we all questioned the universe, and perhaps ourselves even more. It’s early February now though, and I have faith that the rest of the month will not be as hopeless or as long as January.
My aunt (who lives a few hours away), stayed at my home to recover from her surgery for the entire month of January. I am happy to say that she is doing well and was able to go home this past weekend. Cain will be returning from Oklahoma soon, and I’ve only been at my new job for two weeks, but it has been going exceptionally well.
I hope this upward trend of positivity continues not only for me, but for all of you out there who feel like you just need a little push. Things will get better, even if they were really rough in January, or before.
And with that, I want to send everyone lots of love this week. As always, thank you for reading and for being on this journey with me. Stay tuned for another blog post next week on The Leslie Life. Happy February, and bye for now!
